Ryse: Son of Rome is a game about catharsis.
A medium time ago a cyst grew on my anal wall, it's a bubble filled with goo that is born inside of your ass when feces creeps into an open wound. Such is life.
The company I worked for skimped on the toiletries, they had that one ply bullshit that tears your junk to shreds. So no matter what toilet paper technique I used be it light swipes or hard strokes I just couldn't get it all. The lingering poop seeped into the cuts in my butt and the Louisiana warmth between my sedentary cheeks created the perfect birthing ground.
I am not a public restroom guy but come hour twelve of a fourteen hour shift sitting on your ass that turtle head poking out makes the rules. I was working crunch-time hours and although I am usually good about taking a solid morning dump at home after I wake up that gets me through the day, the combination of taco truck food and energy drinks threw my poop cycle way off.
I felt it down there for a while but did nothing about it until it became a pulsing agony. I obviously had no insurance so the free clinic was my only recourse. So I'm sitting sideways on a chair in the Logan Heights free clinic trying not to pass out thanks to the throbbing goblin inside of me and four hours later my name gets called and I end up sitting in the exam room with with a doc that tells me that this is not what they do there, head to Scripps Mercy ER and hit her up when I get pregnant. Cool, thanks.
So I'm sitting sideways in a chair in the Scripps Mercy ER, passing out from time to time thanks to the drum and bass show going on inside of my backyard coochie when I hear my name called and dream walked into a room where I am told to disrobe and jump into this contraption I had never seen before.
It was a table with two metal appendages on the far end. On the end of the appendages were two hands that looked like Rosie the robot in the Jetsons. I was told to lay on my back and put my ankles in Rosies hands. I did what they asked, and am forever changed for it. While I'm sitting taint out in this contraption a nurse walks into the room staring at a clipboard, selectively oblivious to the ass naked man in stirrups with a starfish making kissy faces at her. I thought to myself, "of course she is gonna be attractive, why the fuck wouldn't she?"
After completing her sit-rep she began with the pleasantries. I responded by pleading with her to observe this funeral for my dignity in silence, she was more than cool with that. She told me the doctor would be in in a minute, the tests all came back fine, I was fine, I just had a giant bubble in my ass that needed to be lanced. The doctor came in, sat about two inches from my gooch, god bless his bravery, pulled out a scalpel, and made an incision in my booty bubble from top to bottom.
The juice was loose, it flowed and flowed and I moaned like a Transylvania ho at midnight. Thanks to that moment I know two things. One, there is a way to orgasm from the butt. And two, there is a smell in the world worse than any other smell, and it comes from doo doo that finds the perfect hiding place.
The doctor took off without so much as a "Was it good for you." the nurse informed me I was free to go and I was happy to oblige. My lead informed me there was about four more hours of work that day so I went back and threw some bugs in the basket.
I've taken much better care of my butt since, invested in baby wipes, carry them with me wherever go. Recommend you do as well, one of the best investments you can ever make. A bad investment is a twelve hundred dollar medical bill for not wiping your ass properly.
Anyway, I picked up Ryse: Son of Rome during the recent Steam sale just because it was an X-Box one launch title and people were making a big deal about it at the time. Holy hell is it a dumb game, a very pretty game, but wow is it shallow, and wow is it over the top with the gore. Just because Rome was framed by violence doesn't mean that is all Rome was or all a story about Rome needs to be. But, it was seven bucks all said and done and I wasn't expecting Final Fantasy Tactics. Life lessons.
Check it out if like me you have absolutely nothing else to do with your life. Also, R.I.P Game Trailers, you really shook the pillars of heaven and all game video companies owe you a tip of the hat. Respect, also, even though I hate government sanctioned days to profess things just as much as you do, I love you Froggie, deal with it. Also JERBZ.
The Protoculture Mixtape : Issue : People : Crass
