So the guys don't know what to do with my writing. Apparently, I don't have any "structure," display a flagrant disregard for "grammar," my contributions generally "have nothing to do with video games," I appear at times to be "mentally unstable," and harshest of all the libelous, slanderous, erroneous, and generally true accusations to be hurled at a nigga is that I use quotes "Too much."
Yeah, I have a Journalism degree. I also have a Blockbuster card. I don't use that either.
But we are striving to be a professional organization doing professional things. Grown man-children carrying the torch for video games and slactavism in the technological age, and whatever else it is we allegedly do here.
So in an effort to provide what they referred to as "structure," I will now use Saturday (Crap, is it Sunday already? Shit.) to comment on newsworthy events of the week in... ugh.. video games.
- Joe Biden Met With Gaming Leaders, In no way shape or form
The vice president of Zamunda met with a group of video game representatives on Friday to talk about the Sandy Hook shooting red herrings, oops, I meant video game violence. Some of the gaming luminaries in attendance were Entertainment Software Association President Michael Gallagher, Electronic Arts Executive Officer John Riccitiello, and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius.
That is a great crowd. It might have been nice if the group included someone that actually played video games, but whatever. Or perhaps even someone that actually designed the games they intend to nerf. That is like a prison warden calling a meeting of only guards to ask why the prisoners are so pissed off. Ken Levine or Amy Hennig must have been busy.
- Child's play raises 5 million
Have you ever been in a cancer ward? Ever had to watch a family member laugh meekly at a forced joke and then cough uncontrollably into a bloody rag? Then against your own will you logistically begin to think about how and when they are going to die, and there is nothing you can do about it, and the world is an awful, horrible, cold, rigged game?
Ever seen a kid play a video game? Head down, smiling, lost in the flashing lights and bleeps and bloops. It's like they are not even here anymore, they are somewhere else, somewhere fun.
Look at that number up there! 5 million fucking dollars! I may be the dumbest guy in the room, but even I understand that number has been the point this whole time. It makes this silly thing we do for little kids worth every second.
- NVIDIA and Valve jump into the console game
The Milkshake principle in action.
- Connecticut wanted to burn games, then changed their minds.
Good call.
- Speed Phreaks
There is a tier system to hardcore gaming. Frame counting fighting game enthusiasts that still spend their days playing 3rd strike like to call themselves "God Tier," But they aren't. It's the dude that does Super Mario 64 speed runs. 5 to 6 hours of gameplay in pure zen state, one missed platform or unplanned hit, you start all over. Gangsta. These dudes made $422259.01 +\- on speedruns for charity. There is a nerd sex joke somewhere in there.
Alright, I am ghosting, hope you choke on information. Oh, and Jerbz.
The Protoculture Mixtape v. 143 Issue: People: Life of Pi
