No Man's Sky is a game about velocity.
On god if these cats pee on my clothes and assorted accouterments one more time we squaring the fuck up.
I know it's Rocket, little asshole. I don't have any proof, she's too good, but I know it's her. And she's been listening to my records.
I often dream of strangling my cats to death. If I did that one small thing I could have my life back tomorrow. I could have people over to my home, I wouldn't smell like ammonia, every surface of my life wouldn't be covered in fur. My life would be mine again.
Ten years, same dream. I used to take solace in the belief they would die of natural causes soon. Nah, they are gonna outlive me, I can tell. Sometimes when I walk by Boo and she's sitting there licking her paw I mouth the words "I hate you," and she nods back like "I legitimately hate you as well."
She's the worst. It's always the quiet ones.
I can't bring them anywhere. A while back I dropped the dummies off at Petsmart for a haircut. First thing Boo does is maul the groomer. So I gotta drive all the way back to Aero drive to pick her bad ass up. The groomer talking to me about "Your cat is uncontrollable and isn't welcome here anymore."
I'm like, "Cool story, how bout you start life shoved into a trash bag and left to suffocate to death in a dumpster with your newborn kin? Sorry she didn't walk away from that with a positive mental attitude! Whatever, just hand over the Siamese delinquent and we'll be off."
The groomer says, "Oh no we love Rocket!" I look over to find Rocket on a table surrounded by Petsmart staff fighting for time with that little cuddle hoe. She sees me and lays down with her paws over her face and everyone's looking at me like I'm goddamn Ike Turner. The cat is a sociopath.
A ways back I was telling this story to some friends over lunch. Married couple, popped out a few kids. They were looking at me like I was crazy! Psh, some people just can't comprehend the struggle. Have no idea.
Anyway, oh yeah No Mans Sky. You won't like it if you have unrealistic expectations of life. If you understand that 90% of life wont be as exciting as you thought, meaning is what you make it, you will definitely die without seeing it all, and that's ok, then you may enjoy the game.
Either way I give Hello Games all props for the quantum leap in design. The load screens, where are they? I never thought I'd see the day. Well done. Also JOBS.
The Protoculture Mixtape : Issue : People : Celerity
