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Great question. If I only had one video I could play it would be this.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Issue : Games : Shawarmageddon


Red Faction: Armageddon is a game you get in a Humble Bundle. You tell yourself you are going to play it one of these days, and then you do. And while playing it you realize why you got it for cheap in a Humble Bundle. The story is about some goddamn asshole that lives on Mars. He is a former military asshole that got tricked into fucking up some mission, got sad about it, quit the military, and became a civilian asshole.

As a civilian asshole he takes any job anybody pays him for, and during a job gets tricked into fucking up the planet, like a goddamn asshole. The main characters name is Darius, or Marcus, I don't know. You would think he is a black dude from a name like that, but he's not. His skin tone places him somewhere between the Martian equivalent of Europe and the fertile crescent. Volition was very non-committal about his race, but were adamant about making him a goddamn goon.

Um, oh yeah so this fuckin' dude lets out a bunch of bugs, I think they are bugs. They look like what happens when you tell the art department to mock up some "Monsters from space hell," and the inspiration sheet says, Bugs, Space, Aliens, Starship Troopers, whatever. The art guys shrug, copy over a bunch of shit from their Deviant Art accounts and year two portfolios, then go back to trolling Pinrest. The producers lose their shit, "Wow, Art Department, nail on the head, out of the park!" The assets get rigged up, one less thing.

Around hour two of the game Darnell finds out he was tricked, and vows revenge on all the bugs, and the sons of bitches behind this vile ruse. So he goes ahead and kills everything, and gets his friends killed along the way. That's about it.

The game runs on the Geo-Mod 2.0 engine. Altering and destroying the environment is a fun mechanic. I would love to see what else could be done with it, but so far it's only been used in Red Faction games, which guarantees not many people are going to see it. I hear it was going to be used in Saints Row, but wasn't feasible for interiors.

The game cost me forty five cents and I call that breaking even. I don't know why I hate the main character so much. I would recommend watching Total Recall instead of playing this game. I would recommend watching Total Recall instead of life, but this game and Total Recall have Mars in common, which is why I am bringing it up.

Speaking of assholes, who host's the Olympics, then invades a country right after? There are dick moves, and then there are Russian dick moves. Word is they have been hanging around Crimea for weeks, troops with no insignia, watching the revolution like any other winter event, like sporty vultures. I don't know, vultures is a bit harsh. There are not too many times in this modern age when a country has the chance to turn a green tile red, there is a black sea to reinforce, and who is to say the US wouldn't set up shop there if they didn't? Ruthless pragmatism seems to be every countries marching orders these days. We are all in this together, after all.

Anyway, I don't understand your pings, information, but I like your vodka. I agree something should happen, but I have no goddamn idea the play. It seems things are happening by themselves. Also, any Venezuelan peeps get in touch, a legit inquiry for LL. Also no I'm not too good to rock swag, just out of shape, and over the free advertising. Also, grats to the Twitch Plays Pokemon endgame crowd. The most beautifully worthless achievement I have had the pleasure of seeing in a long time. Also, fuck YouTube, Mixtape all day. Also, JERBZ.

The Protoculture Mixtape v.180 Issue : People : Encroach   

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