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Great question. If I only had one video I could play it would be this.

Oh crap sorry! Extra Credits! Along with Heathcliff, I dedicate this story to the following people, in no particular order:

Ada Lovelace

Kurt Vonnegut

Bill Gates

Steve Jobs

Grace Hopper

Ray Kurzweil

Gabe Newell

Barack Obama

Michelle Obama

The Fam

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Issue : Games : Watch_Dawgz

Watch_Dogs is a game about Hacking. Although you don't really hack in the game, you kind of just use your cell phone to do shit. I don't know. They talk about hacking so much. Aiden Pearce, the bland white protagonist in the game, must use the word "hack" at least a million times in the intro. And the other characters use it for every verb and noun. "We need to hack into the CtOS mainframe and de-sync the webcode parameters of the goddamn bianary switchblock." Shut the fuck up, ho. You ain't doing shit cept breaking and entering, knocking people out with a retractable baton, and reading some damn e-mails.

The game is fuckin' stupid. You can tell it was written in 2011, and updated with every popular internet shenanigan up till now. Lol-sec is popping, toss it in as Ded-sec. One percenters are hot, oops no now big government. This Edward Snowden guy is on the scene, lets call a character Smedford Broden. This game makes internet culture look more fake and contrived than the film "Hackers" did, and that shit came out in 1995.

On a modern reviewers scale, it's like, and 8 out of 10. They know it's fuckin' stupid, but if they tell the truth it's no more full page splash, or Ubisoft site takeovers. So no more money, so no more job, so 8 out of 10. I don't blame em, the game is not bad enough to get fired over, fans would think the game is getting singled out, and industry people would think the reviewer is trying to peacock or Billy Jean. It's a zero sum moral stand. I don't care. Nobody takes my opinions seriously, or expects me to behave, so I can call a turd a turd and it's all good.

I should be writing about Wolfenstien, it's better. But I don't feel like backspacing, so here we are.

Ok, so why else is it stupid. Well, it's also stupid because Aiden Pearce is not a good guy in any way. He kills people all the time, but the game wants us to care about the couple of people he lost because of his own damn decisions. Every person in the game that he kills has a family, not just him. This has to stop in video games, we have to follow the rules. Or the characters don't matter. We can never like them. Also, he is just not interesting in any way. We don't learn who he is, or what he does, or why he does it. He is the most generic and irresponsible character. There is no excuse for this anymore, Ubisoft. We met Edward Kenway, we know you can do it.

Also, it's stupid for boring, stereotypical, and downright lazy ancillary characters. Also it's stupid for complete the circuit puzzles. It's also stupid for being 60 bucks. Also it's stupid for trying to cash in on something no one quite understands yet. Also it's stupid for wasting a mechanic that gives you glimpses into peoples lives without following that thread down the path. You get the option to rob the people, but can't help them achieve their goals or alert them to a dangerous ailment if you see a clear and immediate need to. Also it's stupid for salting the earth of the premise for the next seven years, so much wasted potential.

That's about it. Other than the things I have mentioned, the game is pretty fun. I recommend you go out and buy it right now, and then buy everything else, as long as you are there. Who gives a good god damn.

I hope information hasn't succumbed to the abyss like I have, there should be at least one member of the team manning the wall at all times. Also, congrats on the gig Kbeamski. I hope the Naughty Dog team treats you nice, and you helped me more that I could ever have helped you. Also JERBZ.

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