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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Issue : Games : Yule Tide


Holy hell the holidays are horrible (I'm sorry I rhyme when I get worked up.) Seems the more cheer the world fabricates, the more depressing things get. Whatever, no need to get trapped in the captivity of negativity, to quote T-Bag. Wha? prison break references don't work anymore? Awful show? Wow.

Everywhere you turn something is leaving. Nintendo Power is no more, City of Heroes went lights out, the super hidden gender discrepancy in the gaming industry is out of the bag. No more boys club! Says the minority. Well that last one was obvious, in all fairness. But you get my drift.

December is looking like the perfect storm. Maybe the Mayans were right, but in a different way than we all think. Maybe that date is just the time everything goes to individual shit instead of collective shit. No giant Tsunami, or zombies, or earthquakes. Everything that makes up each and every humans reality falls off the husk one at a time, until there is nothing left of the world you knew. That time is over, long live the new age, whether you like it or not. Or whatever.

Fuckin' holidays. The Roman calendar is ballz, everybody knows that. And the Mayans were trippin. You know what? These ancient society's have been leaving a mess for too damn long. Good thing we have our shit together. All we will be leaving are Youtube videos, ski-doos,  and positive vibes. You are welcome, Planet Earth. Somebody on the server asked me to talk about the Saxxy's for this post, so yeah, well, they are awesome this year, and Bad Medicine won, so that was cool... I just.. I wonder if the coffee is done? I should probably check. Oh yeah and Jerbz.

The Protoculture Mixtape v.137 : Issue : People : Myrrh

Friday, November 30, 2012

Issue : Games : Walnuts


A long time ago I was a little kid in the Jungle, and my first job was selling bags of walnuts on the side of the road. My best bud at the time had a dad that was really into the value of a buck and earning your keep and everything else you would hear in country songs not about heartbreak and drinking, or see on truck commercials. "Like a rock," and all that.

So we came to him talking about wanting Streets of Rage for the Genesis, with our value sale being that we would be asking for less quarter money for the arcade stand-up version. He leaned back in his chair and said... Hmm, I think there is a way you two can make this happen. Interested?

The next day he woke us up at four in the morning, threw our bodies onto the back of a flatbed truck, and drove us to some location in the dark heart of the San Joaquin Valley, which is an agricultural version of Mordor. We spent the rest of the morning walking around an orchard filling bags with walnuts, which on a drizzly morning feels like slowly pulling testicles from wet screaming nutsacks.

Then we threw the full bags of walnuts onto the flatbed truck, then he threw us back onto the flatbed truck, and we drove back into town. We thought we were done, on the ride back we asked about our money. He said, "Not so fast. These walnuts aren't going to sell themselves."

He pulled into this dirt lot across the street from the mall. He got out and set out two lawn chairs right on the southern edge of the four way intersection. He told us to take a seat. We had just become old enough to understand how much shame and embarrassment was involved with what he was asking us to do. But we did it, for Streets of Rage.

It was the longest day ever. Everybody we knew saw us at least twice, somebody threw a soda at my head. Nobody bought any goddamn walnuts. When he came to retrieve our bodies six hours later he asked how many bags of walnuts we sold. We told him we sold exactly none. He said, "Well damn, tough luck. You didn't make any money today, but there is always tomorrow." Fuckin' hate walnuts now. Also, Jerbz.

The Protoculture Mixtape v.136 : Issue : People : Freemont

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Issue : Games : Sonic Sneaks


You can tell a Steam sale has you by the balls when everything they are offering, you already own. Pack it up when that happens, its over. Valve owns you. There were only five games I had not previously purchased offered during the Autumn sale. I bought them all. I should feel shame. I do not.

One of them was Sonic something or other. Why would I do that? When would I find time to play that? And where would my enjoyment from it come... I said to myself as I installed and pressed play. It turned out to be some new style sonic, the type where the camera is behind him and every movement is out of your control and he ends up kissing human females at the end probably.

The weird thing is that there is also the old sonic in there, the one where he is shorter and the camera is to the side of him and you are allowed the illusion of control and he probably ends up kissing Tails at the end. Or so Tails wishes. You know what's going down there. Tails' closet probably looks like a shrine to Sonic. I can't be the only person catching that whiff.

Anyway, here is the weirdest thing... And also where the shame comes in. I like the game. I would have never gotten ten barefoot steps near it if thanks to the steam store it would have been cheaper not to play it. Which is what I said to myself in order to click the checkout button. Wasn't funny then, not funny now. But there it is, I am naked before you, the newborn unicorn, a fan of a modern Sonic game. What does this say about me? Was Charles Hamilton right all along?  Why isn't there a Sonic's around here? Shits all the way in Temecula for Knuckles' sake. May as well be on Mars. I just... Oh yeah and Jerbz.

The Protoculture Mixtape v.135 : Issue : People : Eggman

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