Default Tester

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Great question. If I only had one video I could play it would be this.

Oh crap sorry! Extra Credits! Along with Heathcliff, I dedicate this story to the following people, in no particular order:

Ada Lovelace

Kurt Vonnegut

Bill Gates

Steve Jobs

Grace Hopper

Ray Kurzweil

Gabe Newell

Barack Obama

Michelle Obama

The Fam

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Issue : Games : Curleh Mustache

So many gaming event's during the holiday season. So many places I am not. Damn interwebs changed everything. Well that, or work, or life. It probably is how it used to be somewhere, dark rooms, sticky floors, flashing lights, and energy of the new. People still gather, fun gets had, but that anonymous divide between game players and the physical bodies of game players increases every year, that shit is happening.

There is Dreamhack, and that's good, there is the PAX series, and the Cons, and the E-triples. And all of those are good as well. But they feel like holidays. Check it, you dress up, people come from all over, you eat drink sleep and game (notice I didn't say shower). Then poof, a memory in a scrapbook, cards for the kids, and anecdote, A moment.

And here, let me put on my rosey glasses for a sec... But that arcade tho! it was there everyday, it was local, it was dynamic, it had an untenable business model when faced with the new era. But hey, whatevs, Things are so much easier now.

People give the fighting game community a looot of shit for what goes down in those Vann Damme esqe Lionheart ass tournaments, but one thing is for sure, when you sit down next to your opponent, look him in the eye, shake his/her hand, and then go into battle, the gravity is different. The "W" feels a bit more important. Shit gets real. Yeah it's cliche, but whatever. And shouts to IFC Yipes, putting another Curleh Mustache tournament in the books as of this writing.

The Protoculture Mixtape v.134 : Issue : People : Lament

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Issue : Games : Steamgivings

My steam .exe opens to the library like anyone else made of sanity, but I know it's there. Calling me, calling my emaciated wallet. Fuckin' Steam, man. Dark magicians and puppet masters. What the fuck is an Autumn sale anyway? doesn't even make sense.

I'm thinking about getting Dead Island. I already own Dead Island. There is no reason whatsoever to want it again. It wasn't even that great, but it's cheap. Who am I kidding, I want to get it all, and never play any of it. Just filling up my "One of these days" queue some more. I have all this shit in checkout, ready to pull the trigger, but I can't... Just a lonely, weak, pathetic man.

It's times like this where I wish I was into football more, even the English kind. Anything but video games. Fuckin' Max Payne 3? Man, I need that in my life right now. As if Black Friday wasn't enough. Talk about a made up holiday created to sell stuff not called Valentines.

Now there is Kinda Dark Thursday, Seeya Saturday, Sunday Funday, Cyber Monday. It's like all you have to do is name a day different, mark shit down like two bucks, and people all the sudden decide they need everything ever. It's weird and I don't roll like that. I ain't standin in no white mans line lookin silly.

Anyway, the Steam Sale. I just clicked the checkout button and regret nothing. Now I will take my customary turkey nap, which will bleed into sleep, which will bleed into work, which will bleed into never playing any of the fuckin games I bought. Like getting physically ill thinking about playing them, ignoring it like an unwanted birth. And Jerbz.

The Protoculture Mixtape v.133 : Issue : People : Itis

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Issue : Games : Hitman Absolutley

Anybody Playing Hitman Absolution? Nah, Ok. It's one of those games where the hubbub comes from somewhere but in the back of your mind you know its the dedicated core multiplied by the PR Catherine wheel turning a med to a zed. It's not the sneakiest of sneaky games, it's not the most capable of shooters.  It's not social commentary, it's not documentary, it is just.. fuckin Hitman. But there it is. And people love it.

Metal Gear, yeah I get it, Siphon Filter, sure, but Hitman has never been close to those titles on any levels, not even once. And the funny part is all anyone could talk about pre launch were the Nuns. Nuns with guns. Not even Postal level shock for shocks sake. I should be saying Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino level, but come on. That is disrespectful to somebody.

It's always been one of those games you play over the weekend and forgot you played. Or best case scenario you remember something about it that had nothing to do with gameplay. Something about a nice kill snuffed by bugs, probably a lame joke, maybe some titties. The type of game that keeps game-fly in business.

I have a copy sitting over here on the desk from my time at square. Shit, can I say that? Ah who gives a fuck, a baby's handful of people read this crappy rag. "Scream as loud as you want! Nobody can HEAAAR YOOU!" Anyway, read a fanboys review, It's about as close you are gonna get to an unbiased opinion. And then think of the funny shit I should be saying for this ender-ender, and tell me how much I failed to do so. You try this shit, it's not eazy.

The Protoculture Mixtape v.132 : Issue : People : Stuffin

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Issue : Games : WiiUstops

So Nintendo Wii U's have been spotted in the wild. You get that shit? No? Yeah well, me neither. Talk to Triforce, you know where he at right now. Probably still walking home from the Nintendo store cause there ain't no trains running.

Nintendo products have come to mirror how I feel about gay friends. I grew up with them around, love and support em to tha grave, but I have no idea how the fun in gay sex works logistically. Introducing new joysticks every twenty seconds, all types of dongles and whatnot. Just release some damn games.

Having said that, I would gladly suck twenty dicks in a row without taking a breath for a free Nintendo WiiU. Just kick that around your noggins, you PR skumbags. Knockin' boots. BMST LFG SUKDIKS... PST.

It was the same with the DS and the Wii. I just saw people playin' flip top double screens that looked like Tiger handhelds, and waggling dildos at giant screens at E3 and went, "Oh Nintendo, you so crazy!" Yeah crazy like a fox, them shits sold like gangbusters.

Now here comes this system based a fuckin' Xzibit meme, and you know what the journos are gonna say about it, "What the fuck does this thing do?" But they might learn from prior mistakes and not claim that ain't nobody going to play it this time. Even though we are all waiting for Nintendo to take this Doo-Dad shit too far. That's what happens when Nintendo gets overconfident, Virtual Boys show up. Shit's like the Mayan calendar of video games.

Zombie U though, off the chain. Nintendo owes Ubisoft a pulled pork sammich for that one. Might even get other third parties interested for like two seconds, before they realize people only want to play Mario Zelda and Metroid on that shit, and it looks like graphical doo-doo in HD on seven year old tech, and nobody really gives a fuck about it. I hope somebody I know buys that shit so I can play it more. If not, whatevs.

The Protoculture Mixtape v.131 : Issue : People : L'amour

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